Boating season is upon us.
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WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
felt cute might bury dad later idk
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.