Boating season is upon us.
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The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly