[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My wife gives the best headache.
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Not all heroes wear capes…
