[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
My god she’s good.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.