Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

God: Any other requests?

Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!

God: No problem.

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Terribly Tuesday.

[guy who’s about to invent dates]

*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?