“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
R.I.P.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.