“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
How wrong was this guy?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
“Sheer Arrogance”
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
