“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
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[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.