Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

[first date]

Her: I love cats

Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*

Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

date: I like it when guys know what they want in life

me: *megaphone right in her face* ham

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.