“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.