“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
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My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*