Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
You Might Also Like
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.