Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

RANGER: watch out for wolves

ME: oh ya?

RANGER: so relentless-

[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?