Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
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Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.