Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
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Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Hmmmmmmm….
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?