BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Ion see the issue
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.