Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.