Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things will get butter, keep churning

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.

Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.

Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?