[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
How do I get a job writing these texts
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?