[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car: