[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
😲 WTF? 😆
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?