Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
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I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
BRAKING NEWS!!
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that