BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My diet starts in January
of 2027
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.