Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Driving in Europe vs Canada

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!