Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Awesome parenting 😂
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.