Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

Reasons to not eat cookies:

– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.

End of list

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Monday

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.