Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too