Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

[from under your bed]

Babe, are you mad at me?

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

who called it hell and not heaven’t

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

*Bat signal lights up Gotham*

Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it