Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t realize that was an option

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.

His mom got really mad.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

12. I think about this all the damn time

🤣😈🤣

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”