Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale. 
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;

HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me