Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

#Caturday

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Canadian owl: Eh?

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

What in the hell is “disposable income”?