boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
You better watch out
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Great acting.. 😂
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.