Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do

I’m sorry…what?

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.

Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

Me: they’re my service bees

Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you

Me: they’re trained

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”

Student: Would you use it in a sentence?

Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?