Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.