Bobby pin
You Might Also Like
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash