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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.