Bobby pin
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Do you look ludicrous in tight, illuminous clothing? Or enjoy paying a fortune to tear ligaments? What about going fast and stopping by slamming your face against a tree? You do? Then why not book a skiing holiday?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?