Bobby pin
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
jesus, what did this guy do
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears