Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy

The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this