Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
secret recipe
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food