Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

good for her

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*