Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Trees to oxygen:

“Pfft. Waste product.”

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.