Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

thoughts?

i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*

Toddler: *crashes the stock market*

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.