Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: can I get you anything?

Me: yea a job

[ alone in a dark cemetery ]

me: marco

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Sign of the day..

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]

7 year old: how does he still have a job?

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!