Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??