“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
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9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*serious situation*
My brain:
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Sorry. Not sorry
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom