Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

Doctor: You have 6 months to live

Me: omg what can I do?

Doctor: Oh lots of things

Me: Phew

Doctor: but only for 6 months