Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

(during sex)

Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.

SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??

ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.

SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you