Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Hamburger Hinderer.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Respect
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler