Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

😆

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest