Body by burrito
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
good for her
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.