Body by burrito
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I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
She was REALLY feeling it.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time