Body by cheese-puffs.
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Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
