Body by cheese-puffs.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’