Body by cheese-puffs.
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.