Body by Oreos
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It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
I didn’t realize that was an option
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Dietest Coke
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.