Body by Oreos
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
early stone age tool
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”