Body by Oreos
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Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.