Body by Oreos
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My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Oh. My. God.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”