Body by Oreos
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.