Body by sandwich.
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When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
excuse me
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*