Body by sandwich.
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My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
💀
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup