Body by sandwich.
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Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.
you stereotypes are all alike
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
