Body by sandwich.
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Art by Pastelkatto
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?