Body by sandwich.
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My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.