Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

banana peels are my favorite fall accessories

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.