Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?