Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.

My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.

“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping