Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho