Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

airing out the snack pack