@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

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@PortRooster

Niece (4): Uncle, what do you get if you mix blue and purple?

Me: Blurple.

*She walks away satisfied and amazed at all the things I “know”

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

@iwearaonesie

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

@paulg

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

@good_one_rick

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

@Ophoenix1

I’ve been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.

@jellybnbonanza

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

@megantwentytwo

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.