@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

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@dshack8

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@BoogTweets

Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*

[hours later]

Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL

@rainsutton

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

@shegotagronk

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious

@MavenofHonor

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

@jessokfine

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.