Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?