Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.
Casualties have been immense… & delicious
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.