Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
You Might Also Like
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Still cracks me up
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold