Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.

[in bed]

Me: Don’t you love being on top?

Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind

Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.

Science is a lie.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.