Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

rich people when they have to pay taxes

“Sheer Arrogance”

How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…

[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.