Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
We avoided this particular disaster
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*