Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

no one ever comes back

Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

*gf making spaghetti*

Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?

Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!

Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

nothing saves money like being antisocial

No one can handle that

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”