Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
what do you want
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*