Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?

Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday

a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

can you read it!!??

maan!

called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

#oldknees

When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

For the baby who has everything

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.

For example: Her panties were muggy af.

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.