Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Me: can I get a breakfast burrito

Waiter: no breakfast after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs

Waiter: no eggs after 11

Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken

Waiter: sur—

Me: —pre born

I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.