Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

😂😂

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”

dad: i’ve got something special for you.

kid me: wow what is it?

dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-

kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again