Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident