Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
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Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads