Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
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Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Traveler’s camo
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.