Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

[Leaving bar]

GF: You okay to drive?

Me: I’m fine.

GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?

M: 2 guys, tops.

GF:

M:

GF:

M: What?

Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

😂

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

If you love someone, let them sleep.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Me trying to reach for my goals

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.