Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
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Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on