Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
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It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.