Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Straight people are cancelled
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Good morning y’all ☀️
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]