Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

me: return of the mack.

cashier: receipt of the mack?

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life