WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
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Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
hear me out : pockets for your socks
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.