Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
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Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
can i punch you in the face but like romantically?
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.