Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

a god among men

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I’m about to risk it all

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

There’s no “u” in narcissist

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

I’ve been drinking.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Phones down.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.